Fear to commit

The story

Fear to commit

Christina was sharp in her words and spoke with a playful undertone. That combination drew me to her. From our first sentences, a dynamic was created that continued to intrigue the both of us. She had language skills that I connected with. A kind of flirtatious game emerged that continued to connect us.

She was devoted to her job and lived alone. Despite her easy-going nature, she was hesitant when it came to maintaining a stable weekday life. She felt dissatisfaction in certain areas and wondered if she might be the cause of it.

Christina described her past relationships as part of a throwaway mentality. She was both a victim and a participant. As a result, she approached potential new partners with caution, hesitant to fully trust. She had the urge to commit and lose herself to someone, to be possessed, but then again, not. She was in doubt. She wanted to find someone to give her exclusive attention but couldn’t push the person harder away when it actually happened.

She was unlike any other women I had met. Her contradictions intrigued me, yet also made me suspicious. I quickly noticed a pattern in how she interacted with men. She seduced them with her charm, depth, and humor, only to drop them when they came too close. When talking to her my thoughts raced, searching for the right words. To my surprise, I always found the perfect response she was waiting for at the precise moment.

There was something in her words that touched me, though I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was. It just drew me in. In fact, our conversations led me to believe for the first time that there was someone who could challenge me mentally and emotionally, giving me the feeling that I had found an equal. We stayed one step ahead of each other with every sentence. I was afraid of losing that connection, perhaps that was the reason our communication continued for years.